How To Look Good Naked While Holding A Seance

Happy 1am.

I'm Sian, I'm playing Nina in Moonfleece. Nina is a horny psychic librarian in a wheelchair. We naturally have only one of these characteristics in common. So in a bid for authenticity I have been doing research into wheelchair users, psychics, and indexing systems.

Only joking. I couldn't be less interested in indexing systems.

My mum recommended watching Gok Wan's How To Look Good Naked With A Difference (HTLGNWAD), which is Gok doing what Gok does best - making women feel fantastic about themselves - but this series he's doing it with women who have a physical disability. On my mum's advice I watched the episode where he makes a woman who uses a wheelchair Look Good Naked to see if I could pick up some useful material.

The woman being made-over in this particular episode is called Tracey. One of the self-image problems that Tracey has is her insecurity about her legs. She's self-conscious about showing them because they're thin due to her muscle wasting condition. She was also embarassed about her stomach, which fell into rolls because she was always in a sitting position.

Gok and Tracey gave me a really interesting insight into the body-image of a woman in a wheelchair. Unfortunately it was singularly useless for my purposes.

The legs thing: I have not, never have had and never will have thin legs. The women in my family are genetically blessed with tree-trunks. Those babies aren't going anywhere.

The stomach thing: Gok did a really good job of making Tracey feel better about her stomach rolls by getting women in the street to show that everyone gets stomach rolls when they sit down. I checked this out for myself whilst I was sat on the sofa watching HTLGNWAD. I was not disappointed - there, as promised, were my stomach rolls. Laid out like so many hot-dog buns on a Bar-B-Q.

Gok remedied this for Tracey by putting her in corsetted underwear that sucked everything in. I don't have any corsetted underwear and I suspect the design budget does not stretch to Spanx For Nina. So whereas Tracey gets to leave the show with killer curves, I'm stuck with tree-trunks and Bar-B-Q breads.

One thing I did take away from the show: Gok pimped Tracey's ride. He gave her this beautiful brand-new Gok-ized wheelchair. I'm now inspired to customise Nina's wheels. I'm thinking go-faster-stripes, furry dice, spinning hub-caps and a spoiler. Deadly.

On to my second research topic: psychics. I searched for "Seance Books" on Amazon. Strike #1: "How to hold a Seance", by Kuriakos. (No surname, just Kuriakos. I suspect this is so that people can't hunt him down in the phone book to ask for their money back when they receive his piss-poor books in the mail. Others in the inspirational series include: "Magickal Evocation Rituals", "Angel Magick", "How to do Self-Hypnonsis", and "The Fast Road to Enlightenment WorkBook").

The blurb online promises "a very short to the point book on how to quickly and easily hold a seance anytime and anywhere...It's like getting a free psychic reading anytime you want!"

Well this sounds like exactly what I need, I thought, and merrily parted with $12.54 plus p&p.

Allow me to share the entire book with you:

Different Ways to Hold a Seance

Money

1. "Yes" or "no" questions.
2. Questions with words or sentences as answers
3. Questions with numbers as answers

Set up:
Write down your questions using the following types of questions from #1, #2 and #3 above.

How to do it:
Ask one question out loud and then two more people hold hands in a circle and allow the answer to come in through their psychic knowing, psychic hearing, psychic feeling or pscyhic seeing and then immediately record the question and answer in The Seance Writing Journal.



The above is the format for every page. The only difference being that the rest of the pages have titles like; Love; Health; Psychic Abilities; Your Past...and just in case you weren't sure what type of questions you can ask the spirits, a page (again, with exactly the same words as above) titled "Answers to Any questions you may have". And just in case you were worried about what you should use for a Seance Writing Journal, don't worry: more than half the book is made up of blank pages with "Seance Writing Journal" at the top for you to record all the reams of material you will amass from your quickie-seance.

Tune in next week for wheelchair sex and the Dewey-Decimal System.